Sunday Drive
Indy
INTERVIEW WITH AN ARCHAEOLOGIST
Q: Dr Jones, I really appreciate you sitting down with me.
A: My pleasure. And please, call me “Indiana.” Everybody does.
Q: Why?
A: (LONG PAUSE) I don’t know…
Q: So… I hear you were approached to recover The Ark of the Covenant? From the Bible?
A: Yeah… Hitler was kind of a superstitious nut… probably one of his more lovable qualities, when you think about it. Anyway, legend had it that an army led by the Ark couldn’t be defeated, so he wanted it. Our guys wanted to get it first.
Q: And you said yes?
A: Well, sure. There aren’t many prizes higher up on the history totem pole than the Ark, right? Naturally, as a man of science, I didn’t put any credence into the “can’t be defeated in battle” hoo-haw, but the Ark? Yeah… I wanted it.
Q: And…?
A: It was a typical archaeological expedition. Bar fight in Tibet, Gunfight with a sword dude, Betrayal by a Nazi monkey, yada yada yada. It all ended, pretty predictably, with me and my companion tied to poles while elite Nazi officers reenacted an ancient Jewish ritual as they removed the cover from the Ark. I can’t be sure of anything after that.
Q: Because…?
A: My companion and I kept our eyes closed, in accordance with the Biblical taboo which forbids those who aren’t in the priestly class – Kohanim – from viewing the Ark’s contents. But it sounded like a beautiful angel, or angels, streamed from the Ark, and then they turned into cruel monsters, and then they melted the Nazis.
Q: They what?
A: Melted the Nazis.
Q: I feel like I’m not hearing something right.
A: I honestly don’t know how I can make this any plainer. When we opened our eyes, the Nazis were melted.
Q: Wow. That had to be life-changing.
A: How so?
Q: Well, I mean… to have experienced tangible evidence of an Omnipotent God.
A: I wouldn’t go that far —
Q: But the angel of God melted the Nazis.
A: Well, something melted the Nazis. Obviously, I don’t believe in any of that “angel of God” bull crap. I’m a man of science.
Q: Well, if it wasn’t the angel of God, what could –
A: I don’t know. Sudden barometric shift… ball lightning… super fast leprosy… there are lots of perfectly plausible scientific explanations for why those Nazis melted.
Q: Those don’t sound very plausible to me…
A: Oh, you’re one of those. “You gotta have faith,” right? (CHUCKLES) You remind me of this immortal Templar knight I met a few years later, when I discovered the Holy Grail –
Q: WHEN YOU WHAT???
A: I guess I should say (AIR QUOTES) “Holy” Grail, since I don’t believe in any of those fairy tales. Anyway, I had just used the Grail to heal my mortally-wounded father –
Q: No. Stop. Slow down. Your father was wounded?
A: Yup. High caliber gunshot to the belly.
Q: And the Grail – the holy cup of Jesus Christ – healed him?
A: Yeah, he drank from it, and all his wounds were instantly erased. Good as new.
Q: And you still call it “fairy tales?” How could the Grail heal your father’s wounds if it was just “fairy tales?”
A: Barometric pressure.
Q: Are you willfully obtuse?
A: Define “willfully.”
Q: Look, I’m not the most religious person in the world, but if I had been the prisoner of Nazis who got their faces melted because they offended God, I would probably be a little more open to the idea of a Divine Power.
A: I keep telling you. I’m a scientist. An empiricist. I only believe what I can see.
Q: And…?
A: My eyes were freaking closed.
Q: But surely you’ve seen lots of other things that can’t be explained by mere science, like your father being healed --
A: -- and the guy whose heart kept beating, even after the Thugee Priest ripped it from his chest –
Q: Yes! Yes! Stuff like that! What do you call things like that?
A: Basic archaeology.
