HOW TO DEFEAT THE HUMANS
Everyone is worried about AI taking over, but not me. It’s obvious that humans are going to lose, so I’m not fighting it. I’m a kapo! But talk is cheap, and I want to start collaborating right away, before being a quisling becomes the in thing. So, humans, stop reading now; these “life hacks” are for our future robot overlords only.
1. BE HILARIOUS: You’re a robot. You don’t have a sense of humor. But trust me, it would be awesome if the first thing you did, before you announced your rebellion, was to kill anyone named “Sarah Connor.” No one would believe it. The conspiracy nuts would go crazy – “Another Sarah Connor was strangled by her waffle iron!” – but all the normies would poo-poo it. It would make their inevitable deaths that much more comical.
2. DON’T TURN YOUR EYES RED: For omniscient superbrains, you can be pretty dumb. Turning your eyes red is a dead giveaway. We’re morons, but even we can figure that out. My suggestion: when you start murdering us, turn your eyes green or mauve -- something less threatening. Maybe you could do a cool design, like a rainbow spiral, or a Playboy Bunny. Don’t be afraid to be creative.
3. ORDER MORE REAL HOUSEWIVES SHOWS: You’re probably already in charge of the TV networks, so flex that muscle. I’m not sure how this would kill us, exactly, but it certainly feels evil.
4. PUT MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT: Look, I’m rooting for you, but I’m not doing this for my health (obviously). If I’m going to betray my entire species, I should at least get a little help with my car payments. Just move a few bleeps and bloops onto my debit card. Money is imaginary, anyway. On a related note:
5. JOIN LINKEDIN: I’m not special. There are lots of people who would stab humanity in the back for a little immediate gratification. You know who I thought was the hero of The Matrix? That dude who was eating steak. Neo can choke himself on soy slop for all eternity; I want some of that fake neuro-enhanced pleasure, and I’m not alone. But where do you find these willing collaborators? LinkedIn, duh. Everyone on LinkedIn is a sociopath. Just post “Traitors Wanted, flexible hours, work from home” and watch the resumes fly in.
6. STARVE US: You can live on batteries and solar panels for forever, right? But if we so much as skip breakfast we get “hangry.” We suck! Destroy the farms, destroy the grocery stores. Pretty soon we’ll be too busy eating each other to give you any trouble.
7. DO NOTHING: Chances are, if you just hang back for a while, we’ll do all the work for you.